MENELAUS:
I represent the Argive race,
The gods appointed us our place;
And any man who answers “Nay”
Pronounces Greek the barbarous way!
I’ve sailed across the wine-dark foam
To fetch my lawful consort home;
And brought, to demonstrate my grief,
A thousand ships and one handkerchief!
CHORUS OF ADMIRING SUBORDINATES:
A thousand ships and one handkerchief!
A most proportionate display of grief!
MENELAUS:
For I’m the Monarch of the Sea,
The very cause of victory!
Though Agamemnon gives commands
And wise Odysseus makes the plans,
Though Ajax keeps the foe away
And great Achilles wins the day—
The war, you’ll readily agree,
Would have no reason but for me!
CHORUS:
The war, we readily agree,
Possesses Menelaan legitimacy!
MENELAUS:
For Greeks are Greeks, as all agree,
Especially when crossing sea;
And those who question our campaign
Are barbarous—or Trojan—or insane!
A barbarian babbles “bar-bar-bar,”
Forgetting how superior we are;
He worships Zeus in foreign ways
And calls Apollo different praise;
He sacrifices, feasts, and fights,
Observes the laws and burial rites—
But though he acts like you and me,
He does it insufficiently Greekly!
CHORUS:
Though civilized as civilized can be,
He does it insufficiently Greekly!
MENELAUS:
We sailed for Troy by Heaven’s decree—
At least, that’s what they told to me.
We landed first in Mysia, where
We found no Trojans anywhere.
I said, “Their absence proves their guile!
They’ve moved their kingdom several miles!”
But Telephus, with some distress,
Maintained that Troy lay east-by-yes.
So after only minor slaughter,
We turned around upon the water;
And thus, through my strategic tact,
Discovered where Troy was—by accident!
CHORUS:
His geographical acumen
Will surely bring us safely home again!
MENELAUS:
At council I command respect
By loudly saying what we’ve checked.
When Nestor has explained the case,
I rise and state it with more bass.
When Diomedes proposes action,
I authorize it after satisfaction;
When Agamemnon cries, “Attack!”
I nobly cry, “I second that!”
And should Achilles disagree,
We send Odysseus—not me.
For kings preserve their royal state
By delegating those they irritate!
CHORUS:
For kings preserve their royal state
By standing somewhat distant from the irate!
MENELAUS:
Each morning I inspect the fleet
And compliment its many feet;
I count the sails with kingly pride
And sometimes count the other side.
I test the spears by looking stern,
Ask how the siege-engines turn,
Then leave before somebody can
Request that I explain the plan.
For strategy, as sages know,
Means telling other men to go;
And leadership, when understood,
Means looking confident in wood!
CHORUS:
Yes, leadership, when understood,
Means posing very splendidly in wood!
MENELAUS:
Yet Helen waits beyond that wall—
Or doesn’t wait for me at all.
But that is not the sort of doubt
A patriotic song lets out.
So sound the flute and beat the drum!
Announce the rightful Greeks have come!
Let every foreign coward flee
Before the Monarch of the Sea!
She’s a good old girl, so let it ring,
Worth every corpse and broken king;
Worth Judgment’s apple, Judgment’s cost,
Worth everything the world has lost!
CHORUS, slightly less confidently:
Worth everything the world has lost…?
MENELAUS:
For I’m the Monarch of the Sea!
The entire war belongs to me!
Its heroes fight, its wise men scheme,
Its widows mourn, its madmen dream;
Its kings command, its temples burn—
And I shall wait for her return.
So if you ask what part I play
In what occurs from day to day:
I stand for Hellas, proud and free—
AGAMEMNON, OFFSTAGE:
Menelaus! Stop singing and attend the council!
MENELAUS:
—As ceremonial Monarch of the Sea!
CHORUS:
For Greeks are Greeks, as all agree,
Especially when crossing sea;
And if the point seems less than plain—
MENELAUS:
The man who asks is clearly insane!
