/gov/ - Governance

In need of some dirty tricks? My firm is here to help, Mr. President.

Have you considered the tried and true method of character assassination? I suggest you spread rumors of a sex scandal involving Russian bots. 

It is my understanding that Ocianians are inherently distrustful of Russian made sex robots due to the way Matryoshka Industries nests one inside the other. You think you have a big tiddy goth on your hands, but after digging a little bit deeper you find that there's a loli in there. The average Ocianian recoils at the thought. These nested sexbots also undermine the average Ocianian's deep seated values in regards to monogamy. Have you ever met an Ocianian waifuist who owns more then one dakimakura? I didn't think so. As it is said… ONE PILLOW, ONE PEOPLE!

My firm would be more then happy to foment a smear campaign to neutralize the commie opposition and at a deeply discounted rate, due to the recent corona virus outbreak. I'm sure we can reach an arrangement that will not only get the job done, but also leave your slush fund intact so that you can proceed with the plans to build that new wing on the presidential palace to hold all your stuff. Most of our agents are sheltering in place at the moment, but are capable of working on this project remotely via carrier pigeon. If you should wish to expedite matters via teleconference, I'll send you an invite to our discord server. This shouldn't radically increase our consulting fee, as we are more then happy to negotiate for guaranteed rights to access mineral and fossil fuel reserves that are presently unused and in need of development.

Wishing you the best during this campaign season and please do send my regards to the first lady.

You have no chance to win, President Kush! I have lived under your apathy for too long to allow this to be ruined. Your presidential mansion is as good as ours!

>>456
>I'll send you an invite to our discord server.
Hey could I get an invite? I'll pay your firm $0.50 USD more than President Kush.

We have you outnumbered, President Kush! Your jacuzzi shall be our new public bath! I will be naked in your jacuzzi, President Kush!

>>457
I can neither confirm nor deny that I am the lawful legal representative of Roger Stoned & Assoc. and that I am authorized to conduct business on their behlaf. 

I also can neither confirm nor deny that Roger Stoned & Assoc. has authorized me to ask you if you would consider throwing in some mineral or fossil fuel reserves in addition to your very generous offer?

Furthermore, I can neither confirm nor deny that a memo random of understanding has been sent to the contact information that you have provided in the email field via carrier pigeon. 

Understand that by reading this message you are entering into a binding non-disclosure agreement that strictly forbids you from discussing the contents of our communications with any Ocianian living or deceased, your Komrades, members of the press, President Kush, the First Lady, or your dakimakura.

>>456
I apologize for the delayed response. Commies got hold of the only internet device on the island, and I needed to forge a letter from their grandmas which told them to come home to eat and have a feet massage.

Everything they told here is total lies. Even if they had $0.50 USD more they wouldn't spare it for anything and alcohol. Besides, working with me is working on the side of Absolute Good against Absolute Evil. They cannot have me outnumbered, I got a whole army of Gods angels on my side. They are invisible and useless, but I'll assure you, there is many.

Regarding the character assassination plot, I might have accidentally made your job a bit hard. Through my years of being in power I've alleviated boredom in countless morally questionable ways. After convincing the people that dropping monkeys from a hot air balloon was actually pest control, they seem to have been fine with even the weirdest quirks of my character. Maybe I've finally shot everyone who doesn't like me. Except for those damn commies. My doctor said, having more people shot would raise my blood pressure dangerously high.

As for the fossil fuels and mining, you are free to have them if you hold your end of the bargain. It's not like a feudal society has use for any of that. People are my fuel and cars and little metal bottle openers.

I have to go now, I just got a letter from my granny asking me to come over and watch old VHS tapes of people drowning in piss. I'll be in touch

To the most highly esteemed President Kush,

We sincerely believe that the strong alliance between Church and Party has been fruitful for both of us and its continued existence would benefit the population of Ociania. For this reason we were very sad to hear about your decision to not raise significantly the funding of the Church this year. As if the rumours about Your Excellency falling for a life of vice and dishonesty, and last years decision to reallocate the funds promised for the renovation of the Cathedral to the building of your seaside resort wasn't enough, we feel like God has forsaken our glorious country.

It is painfully clear to the followers of our Lord that the godless communist scourge is punishment from God. But fear not, the faithful will always emerge victorious. Because our God is a loving one, every punishment is a lesson to learn from, a challenge to overcome. There is still time to repent your sins, rekindle our bond and restructure this year's budget.

Yours most faithfully,
Highest Reverend Cush of the Church of Ociania

P.S.: Our scholars has been researching the most ancient documents in the Church's archives and might be able to find the links that connect your family to the founder of the once great Ocianian Empire. But no matter how vigorous in spirit, their stomach still needs feeding…

>>461
You greedy swines!

I let you practice your religion in my island. I even repressed all the local belifs with propaganda campaings and death camps. All because you told me, whole bunch of christians can survive with one slice of bread for months and you seek no earthly riches.

Every year you demand a bigger slice of budget, and every year I tell you to go fuck yourself you hypocritical piece of shit. What would you even buy? A church? You should be happy with your shack. There's even running water every time it rains.

God is on my side because I'm rich, handsome and good looking. You think you are going to get His respect by sticking your tongue up his ass.
Speaking of which, you left a terrible stain on the computer rooms chair. Is the only one on the whole island with wheels. Send one of your choirboys to lick it up!

Yeah, so that's pretty much why we don't like President Kush.
Could you give us your churches' support, Reverend Cush? We can split the mansion 50-50 and then continue fighting each other after we do that.

>>457
Attempting to strike a deal with the capitalists, Komrade? You are aware that we explicitly forbade this course of action at the last committee meeting, are you not Komrade? Attempting to use the system to subvert the system is pure folly and it will not be tolerated, Komrade! Continue to stray from the party line in this manner and you will be expelled from the party faster then the people's water rushing out of the jacuzzi jets of our public bath… Komrade.

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The Oceanian State of the Union Address was a particularly raucous affair this year. President Kush, who has been accused of attempting to rig the upcoming election, tried to address the situation head on by twerking in the general direction of the communist party members of the legislature. At first he was greeted by whistles and cat calls by party loyalists, but then the minority communist party members rushed the podium intent on showing their displeasure. Here, the communist party members can be seen trying to deliver the once seated sitting president a collective spanking. Kush's cabinet members were able to pull the President to safety before any blows were struck upon his executive hindquarters. When asked about the unruly scene, a communist party member remarked, "Kush's twerking may have worked to appease us in years past, but he has really let himself go and even though some may like a bit of junk in the trunk, as communists we view his jelly booty as an affront to the meager diet that the least amongst us are forced to live on." At the time of this articles publication, President Kush could not be reached for comment.

And news? Did prez died?

>>1885
I'm pretty sure they went to a farm :c